"I did want to ask though, when you meet someone like this, how do you know it’s not love-bombing (whether it’s a relationship, friendship or partnership)?" A great question posed by an 18yo young lady. In this blog I share with you my honest response, from personal and professional experience. I hope you find something useful here that can support you, your friends or your children navigating similar questions. If you feel inspired to share, please credit the author, Kathy O. This may even be used as a conversation starter.
TLDR, there’s a lot to unpack in this one question:
How we relate with others (look at the works of Dr Esther Perel)
How we connect ('Click or Clash' is a great book)
Traits of narcissism (Dr Ramani)
Our own wounds and experiences (requires awareness)
Acknowledge the green, yellow, orange and red flags in both the other and yourself (requires ownership)
Healthy relationships are co-created, built on trust, the 'r' in trust is reliability shown through consistency
Notice aligned and misaligned behaviour (think - say - do)
Strong friendships take time, research says over 200 hours
This is conscious living: Knowing that things will interfere with your vision
Love is a sustained behaviour
Love bombing is an illusion
Read the full response below.
I will speak from I - this is from my own personal and professional experience. I will also refer to “them” where I have noticed generalised patterns of people who love bomb. Take what is useful.
For me, it’s about slowing down. Creating space. Allowing time. Always coming back to my intention in this moment and being honest with myself if that is changing. What am I focusing on? What do I desire? Am I honouring my values and beliefs? My boundaries?
The R in trust is reliability which is shown through consistency. Allow the other person to earn your trust. Making sure words align with actions. Stay curious.
I personally believe everlasting love is rooted in a strong friendship. How do you create strong friendships? Over time. With interactions. With connecting through conversation. Some research says it takes over 200 hours to create a strong bond (best friend) if you spent 4 hours daily together on consecutive days that would be 50 days! If you see this person weekly that will take a year! Now, I totally believe strong friendships can be sparked sooner and it is more about the depth of conversation. However, we all connect differently. Some people are not deep and intense like me!
Be sceptical, but learn to listen. Allow yourself to see people and accept people for who they are. Can they maintain the behaviours they’re exhibiting? Is this who they really are? Ask questions gently.
What is love bombing?
If any of you dated me, you’d probably think I love bomb and really I love fully! I have a lot of love to give and show it unapologetically. It is a sustained behaviour over time and I set my own standards. Even when I was cheated on, I wrote a 2 page love letter ‘you can be a better man should you choose to’ and left. When I engage in conscious friend with benefits situations I tell them straight up - you’re probably going to fall in love with me and I’ll probably have a crush on you and that’s okay - just know I’m not open to a committed relationship right now.
Scientifically - there’s a lot of chemicals when we engage in intimacy - even without sex. These chemicals can blur our vision. Allow time. Create space. See each other in different environments. Come back to what do I need to see, hear, feel to fully trust?
This is conscious living: Knowing that things will interfere with your vision.
This doesn’t mean you can’t experience passion and joy and laughter. I experienced all that with the cheater and it was beautiful - it was a reflection of me. I took that with me when I left.
How is the other person responding to difficult conversations? Observe. Love bombing is when they can’t sustain the behaviour and turn out to be someone else. They created an illusion. Making sure I break down my own illusion means I am seeing them for who they are and choosing to accept their imperfections. Nobody is perfect. We are human beings. Love bombing is a trait of narcissism and they can’t sustain it because they avoid their shadows. They don’t want to be vulnerable (from the word woundable). You start to notice they are not actually opening themselves up. Over time you noticed they are hiding.
Conscious living helps us differentiate because you notice the subtle changes in mood, attitude, behaviours and words. You notice how they talk to you, with you or at you. You notice if they respect you. You notice if they take responsibility.
Sometimes it’s an abrupt 180' all of a sudden he was yelling through the phone at me and that was all the confirmation I needed to walk away, and found out within the next 3 days he was also cheating the whole time. This has also happened with friendships after years of living unconsciously, once I begun to engage consciously I could see how I was being used. Exploited. I heard what they really thought about me, and said about me behind my back. Leave with love in your heart to protect your peace.
You learn to pick up on these things actively first and as you embody it and live intuitively (something we were much better at as children) you will eventually sense it intuitively.
This was my journey back to my intuition. I am very analytical and have frameworks and models that help me identify when I’m being conned. However, the more I BREATHE (Rebirthing breathwork) the more I connect back to my intuition. Journaling helped me free myself from that narcissistic relationship. Journaling the good and the ugly. The light and the dark. Journaling helped me identify him in 2 months. Journaling helped me identify the next narcissist in 2 weeks, because I learnt the lessons.
Your intuitions job is to lead you into situations that will help you learn the lessons. Sometimes that will mean repeating them until it’s been learnt. Trust that where-ever you are is perfect for you. What am I here to learn through this connection?
Everlasting love is peace. It is a knowing that doesn’t have to be voiced. Feelings can remain unspoken and yet they are known. There is no need for love bombing. Love is their value and they show it through consistency and reliability. At some point, over time, you decide to trust them fully.
Observe yourself. I green, yellow, orange and red flag myself! If I’m not trusting and not opening up after a while. Why am I not feeling safe? What am I afraid of? Am I projecting my past experiences of a bad man onto a good man who has been consistently showing up for the last 3 months? Sometimes twice a week! Am I searching for the fault? Am I keeping myself stuck?
There’s a lot to unpack in that one question! And this is why we engage in self reflection and coaching. I too have my own trusted coaches whilst I guide others on their own journey of health and love.
Everything I read makes me smarter, everything I experience makes me wiser - if I choose to learn the lessons. The only way you will know if you have learnt the lessons is by using them in the next relationship.
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Did you find this blog helpful and informative? Share with your friends who would love it too! Sign up for my Free NuFit Wellness Newsletter to stay in the loop. Attend my Wellness Workshops. Start your wellness journey today by booking in a Discovery Call. Dietitian & Wellness Coach, Breathwork Practitioner, Health Presenter, Gut Health Specialist - Kathy Ozakovic.
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KEYWORDS: Breathwork, Breath, Breathe, Energy, Spirituality, Unconscious, Journey, Shadow Work, Emotions, Conscious, conscious Living, Love Bombing, Love, Narcissism, Narcissistic, Universe, Lessons, Intuition, Friendship, Friends, Relationship, Relating, Relationships, Partnership, Partner.
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